Becoming the Person You Always Have Been
Ever since I can remember, around the age of 5 years old or so, I’ve woken up with a general anxiety. I can’t really explain it, other than with much therapy and processing that it probably had to do with growing up in a small town and not always fitting in with those around me. I remember getting made fun of at a VERY early age. I was half-Chinese, lanky, a big bug eyed, “too smart” and honestly just probably a little “extra” to those around me. But before school, I remember running around my house under the age of 5 in nothing but my birthday suit or a towel and actually acting out the The Little Mermaid’s ‘Part of Your World’ song over and over again (my poor mother can vouch for this!).
I loved to play “pretend” and loved putting on costumes, but as soon as I got to school, I was, as a person, suddenly too weird, too much, and was told to sit in my ‘spot’ and sit still. I was either “too smart” and my peers would roll their when I spoke (I mean, my penmanship WAS awesome and I could spell really well, not to brag), or I was “flat faced” with a flat nose and the one with the weird family. Those things might sound small, but to a 5 year old, those things stick into your brain. Even my parents told me under the age of 5, “shhhh, Bethany, shhh, you’re too much right now”. No harm intended, but I listened to it because I wanted to be loved. I sat down, and squeezed my palms together under the table and kicked my feet, actually wanting to run around and let it all out.
That “sadness” and “heaviness” stayed as I would wake up and go to school. I remember thinking ‘What should I wear so that everyone will like me? What should I tell people about myself that makes them feel like I can play tag or sit at the lunch table with them?’ While I didn’t realize the extent of the sadness and anxiety then, it was there. I did what I had to survive, but at 31, sometimes I still wake up and think, “why on earth do I feel sad and anxious?”, even when things are going so good, it’s still there.
I feel so grateful there are enough podcasts out there now where people speak their mind and share their experiences, which happen to be similar to mine. When you’re so used to feeling a certain way (since the age of 5 or even before), that emotion isn’t just in your head at that point, it’s in your body. I highly recommend The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk, as well as You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay for two great books that break down the storing of emotions in your body. But essentially, at 31 years old, sadness is often still SO prominent in my body when I wake up, and I have to work really, really freaking hard to overcome it.
I tried to explain it to Parker the other day: it’s like instead of running flat in the morning or even downhill, sadness I’ve stored makes me feel like even the shortest of walks are on the steepest slope. Sometimes, I feel like I’m running uphill and other people just get to walk on flat land. It’s so hard, but it’s so true.
So how on earth do I release this from my body? Well, I want to first start by saying this:
“Becoming the person that you’ve always been is not an easy feat; it’s a daily task that you have work at. You have to step into that person every day, over and over again, until your natural self starts to feel easy again.”
The first thing to do, I’ve found, is to NOT shame yourself for whatever you’re feeling. This feeling of sadness, loneliness, and whatever emotion you’re feeling isn’t something that I’ve made up in my head, it’s a real freaking feeling, and it can be heavy. I’ll feel it without even thinking thoughts in the morning just yet before I even get up. It’s not made up, it’s not “crazy”, it’s tangible and recurrent. I first have to recognize that it’s there and know that it really doesn’t have anything to do with me, but really it’s just an emotional that’s been engrained in me (but it’s not really ME). Speaking it out loud to a therapist, friend, or loved one (or even just journaling) is such a great place to start. “When I wake up, I feel sad, and that is okay. Now, I can learn ways that work for me to release it and get back to who I truly am”.
Then, it gets a little fun. I have found that one of the best things to do to come back to your natural and true self is to tune out all of the outside noise (and I mean ALL of it: family, friends, co-workers, partnerships, to-do lists, etc.) and think about the things that truly bring a feeling of joy to your chest. This could be anything, from a Christmas holiday, to playing a sport, to arranging a bouquet of flowers, dancing your ass off, or traveling to a certain city. It’s going to be different for everyone, but you have to find out what those things are for YOU. These aren’t things that bring you a certain outcome like money or success, but things that just make you feel joy. Write those down, feel their joy in your chest, and realize that those are simply natural components of who you really are.
Then, start to look at the people that inspire you, as well as the people that you’re jealous of. Yep, you have to do both. The people that inspire you each have a single (or multiple) characteristic that you love, which is something you can also start to embody in yourself. And the people that trigger you… they’re triggering you because there is likely a part of them that you’re jealous of, but they also have a characteristic that you know you have inside of you. Envy is your BIGGEST teacher. Learn from both. What do you want to embody that your your inspirations do? And what do you secretly know that you can embody from those that trigger you?
Then, you have to do hardest part of all: take action.
When you feel the sadness, anxiety, or whatever feeling you’re wanting to shift out of, you have to take action. It is UNCOMFORTABLE and will not feel natural at first. Being happy isn’t just something that I get to do easily, I wake up and choose it. Every. Damn. Day. I feel the sadness, don’t get me wrong, but then I walk, I watch a TV show I love, I repeatedly listen to podcasts of those that I want to be like career wise, and I take care of my body. I work on myself. When that alarm clock goes off and I want to pull the covers over my head and lie there, sometimes I do. but 8/10 times, I get myself up to the mat, do 10-15 minutes of yoga, sit in that uncomfortable meditation, GO to the red light therapy bed, turn on the podcast, and most importantly: I shift my energy daily and remind myself of the happy Bethany that is deep down inside of me, and that I want to more easily embody.
And it truly does work. It gets easier, or maybe I’m just getting stronger. But either way, knowing who I want to be helps me to actually be that person with daily actions. It’s not really a “transforming” into who I want to be, but more of a process of shedding back the hard shell that I’ve formed from my experiences and becoming who I always was.
While it can be SO DAMN HARD, it is the absolute best when you can learn who you are and authentically own it. Now, I don’t hide from those parts of myself, I embrace them. For me personally, I realize that I want to be a little loud, take a LOT of pictures, teach yoga and pilates classes, and definitely invest extra large red light stand. That’s just who I am. I love being in front of the camera, of sharing a message, wearing extra gold jewelry, having only natural nails, and recently learned that I have a masculine wardrobe, which I love. I also love all things fall and sweaters and anything New York. As I undo what I feel like I have had to be to be loved, I realize that I’m not not self-centered, weird, or “too much” like people have told me I am. I am who I am, and slowly but surely, I’m learning to love it. One social media post, one walk, one meditation at at time.
Learn who you have always been, then undo the rest.
Tools that help me daily when I feel the sadness: yoga, light weights, meditation, deep breathing, red light therapy, time in the SUN, Instagram (because it’s fun!!!), photoshoots, self-help books on spirituality, essential oils, and again, time in silence. I also take time each day to show gratitude for each message I get, comment, patient I help, yoga students that show up for my classes, family, and more. Searching for what you want to be is just coming back to who you really are.
With work, dedication to your practices, and a little exploration, you can let go of the “should’s”, and slowly start to become the person that you were actually born as.
Xo,
B