Depression and Sadness in Life
Hello, hello. It’s been a minute.
2 coffees, 1 latte, and a lot of deep breaths into my Thursday, I am here.
I don’t really have a “point” with this blog, per se. I just want to write, to express, to tell you all how I am feeling. Because I know that in all this feeling, I am not alone in them.
I find myself having to take lot of deep breaths recently. Several times a day, actually. I also find myself sleeping on the couch instead of going to bed. I’ve also purchased a lot of things recently, just for the quick dopamine hit (that quickly fades). The demands of life seem too much sometimes, and the anxiety comes a bit more often in this stage of life right now. I found myself feeling these same extreme highs and lows when the election was happening - I would either have one of two energies: 1) wanting to hold a sign in the street or 2) needing to lie down on the couch and cry. There was no in between, and I feel similarly to that now. I think of the John Mayer song Emoji of a Wave, but I always think rephrase it in my head as a constant wave of emotions. It literally feels like a wave. I’ll feel so strong one moment, then a wave completely takes me under and I feel a deep sense of sad.
I don’t know if this is just my personality or just this phase of my life, but either way it’s where I’m at. It’s been really hard to admit (particularly out loud) that I have these absolute waves of depression that hit me. They hit me out of nowhere, and there is part of me that is almost embarrassed to type it out, which likely due to the stigma the culture has put on being sad meaning there is something that is wrong with you. I’m an extremely optimistic person who almost always sees the good side of things. Almost always, but not always.
I find myself needing to recluse more than usual. My life is just not what it used to be and it gives me anxiety. I crave a familiar past of old friendships and ease that will never be a part of my future. It’s not bad, it’s just hard.
These emotions I feel are not all the time - underneath all of the overwhelm I truly am happy, so please do not fret for me. Just know that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. It’s okay to be to be anxious or to feel overwhelmed. It. Is. Oh. Kay.
While the anxiety is a bit more intense and frequent then it used to be, I do find myself handling it better than I ever have. I’ve always had mild anxiety and practiced handling it, so I guess practice does makes progress. The cliché “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” quote does seem to have some merit. The more I sit with my anxiety, the better I handle it. Even if that means sitting in a coffee shop, closing my eyes, and taking deep breaths in the middle of public.
Instead of being overwhelmed with the emotions for too long, I try my best to pull myself out of it. Writing, walking, calling a friend, crying if I need to, listening to a ton of music, and taking time for myself.
I don’t have all the answers all of the time, and I most certainly don’t want to pretend to not be sad. What a facade that would be, and social media doesn’t need any more facades. This time in my twenties is a time for growth, but transparency is needed more than ever. There is no denying that we feel sad feelings, and I don’t think we should chase a life where we will never be sad. We will be sad sometimes, so we accept it, understand why, change what we can, and we just keep moving forward.
Just because things aren’t quite as exciting right now, it doesn’t meant they won’t be again. Right now, I’m just doing what feels right in each moment. I take one task at a time and I actually pray. I listen to a lot of Noah Cyrus and I get to know myself - for the first time in my goddamn life. It’s a really freaking beautiful process - I cannot say that enough.
Feel the highs, feel the lows, and grow.
Xx, B