The Hardest Thing I Have Ever Done

Right now, life is absolutely crazy. And I mean absolute freaking chaos. Physically, emotionally, and every state of being between the two. I couldn’t make up what is happening in my life right now if I tried to - I am in the middle of a spider web of emotions, but trying to be present through it all. Hell, maybe one day I will write an Untamed best seller book out of my life right now.

Life is so chaotic at the current moment that there are these fleeting moments of just wanting to give it all up. Literally all of it. I’m freaking tired. I sleep 3-5 hours a night only to feel like I can get enough done, and I have no idea when my next day off will be. I can barely pay my bills, but still try to practice self care by getting a haircut for myself and my dog every now and then. I have people telling me congratulations every single hour of the day for all of the work that I have done and what I have created, and don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of it and absolute elated right now, but sometimes it’s still feel like it’s not enough. Why is that?

I have fear of losing something good in the future, so I want to cut it off now to avoid future pain. Fear of failure in my career? Maybe I should just give it all up completely and retreat back to something more stable. Fear that people are judging me? I want to delete my online platforms so I am never judged. Whatever the fear is, I want to run straight into an action where I don’t have to feel it.

I want to run and retreat back to old patterns that feel comfortable and easy; to just stay in what “feels good”.

But I won’t. I refuse to.

It’s not that you shouldn’t give up certain things, because sometimes you should. But I know myself all too well. I know exactly what wanting to give up stems from. It stems from not feeling good enough about myself.

I feel like the menu I created won’t be good enough. That my business won’t be good enough. That my body isn’t good enough. That my online platform isn’t good enough. That my friendship isn’t enough. That my writing isn’t good enough. It always, always, always stems back to not feeling good enough in some way, no matter what the general overlying fear is.

But as I sit here in my own coffee shop and have fear, I also have this deep sense of peace. At 28, I know and recognize what the fear stems , and I know that the only way to release this fear is to love myself and feel good enough just as I am.

How do we do that? To love yourself is a persistent journey that we must embark on every single day. It’s also the hardest journey. Hence, when I (any maybe you, too) don’t feel good enough in a certain area of my life I want to run.

There really are only two options: I can take actions that avoid the discomfort (too much cleaning, cutting people out, binge eating food, etc.) or I can go on the journey, surpass the pain, and learn to love myself for who I am and what I stand for, regardless of my success. Those are my two options. That’s it.

I refuse to run from feeling not good enough.

Who am I? I am a physical therapist turned barista turned nutritionist turned boss. I am a writer at my core. I am someone that needs time alone, but also loves company. I am a small framed person with very little curves. I’m often moody, opinionated, and fearful of losing things that make me happy (a clinger, if you will?).
I make smoothies, teach/do yoga, and get scared a lot. There are parts of myself I have not loved in the past, but they are me and I am starting to love them. But, I can only love them by facing it, being present, and being me.

Loving myself for who I am hardest thing I have ever done. But I also know it’s the only path to true, lasting happiness. That, and being present. Right here, right now.

Dedicated to my friends Rose, Cali, Ashley, Hilary, Ana, and Alisa. The eternal givers and stability in my life right now.