A Sign of the Times: Divorce
A little timeline of my life after 20 up until now:
At 22, I got married because I was in love with a man, but also because it’s just what you do. You check the boxes without even realizing you’re doing it, and you achieve success according to the standards of society; standards which have been programmed into us since birth. Who doesn’t like all of the comments, likes, and congratulations for achieving the life events we’ve deemed to be “good”? While often they are good, sometimes this just makes us feel like we’re doing something good.
At 23 years old (2018) I quit physical therapy school, went through a year of depression and feeling lost without knowing what career I wanted to do, and developed an eating/exercise disorder to cope. I finally overcame that in 2021.
At 24 I started my own non-profit, which helped and connected a lot of people, but was also somewhat of a distraction to escape from a deep knowing that something wasn’t right.
At 26 I decided to change my career completely, start a new business and degree, only for COVID to storm in and deny me a summer of travel that, once again, was probably just an escape (although I love traveling and miss it so much).
At 27 I was hit by a car, but still managed to get along. :) When I was hit by a car, there were no marriage problems. I was healing, and that is what the focus was on. I then healed, but the relationship didn’t.
So here I am at 28.
Have I achieved enlightenment yet?
I’ve co-opened a business and started my own online business, but I make far less money than I ever have. I’m so happy, but it’s clouded with this weight of no longer feeling beautiful or loved in the ways I normally have because a marriage is ending and trust is lost. Now friends feel weird, family is sad, and nights after long days of opening a business are spent until 11:00 PM going through buried documents and deciding who’s is what, then crying a lot because change is hard. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
At 28, I found out that my partner had an addiction behind my back for several years. I’ve had a 5 year marriage of joyous moments, but also deep, deep emotional abuse. Years of abuse. I tolerated it. I thought I could fix it. I though it would change. I thought I was okay because everyone praised us for our achievements. It felt okay. Good, even. However, the abuse is trauma we will both never recover from fully. There are years of a happy moments, but a deeply troubled marriage is ending right before my eyes and all within the past 8 weeks… all while opening up a business. We’re a great team in work and life, but not as partners forever. It feels right to end it, but it also feels…. expensive, stressful, and “wrong” in terms of what I “should” do. Why would I give up stability? Why would I go away from what everyone praises us for? Relationships, jobs, and more?
I am sitting on the couch right now once again writing out my feelings at 10:30 PM on zero sleep…. and I have to be a boss in the morning to a business that depends on me to succeed. Thank God my employees and business partners are amazing in 10,000 ways and more. Thank God I love my business and that my business produces copious amounts of good coffee. Thank God for my amazing friends and support systems. And thank God for June 12th.
But I ask myself: How many times have I had repeat We Can Do Hard Things? I know I can, but damn, can I do some easy things, too? I have to repeat it 10,000 times a day while taking deep breaths in between at this point.
I’m not complaining, I swear to you. I’m just being real. I wish I could say that as we age life gets easier. I am for damn sure that I’m becoming a lot wiser, but it doesn’t seem to be getting easier. But it also does feel easier at the same time. I truly am at peace (way down there… pretty deep). I’m just stressed, tired, and overwhelmed at the same time that I have this deep peace. This is the right decision.
Of course, the right decisions are not always the easy ones.
It would easier to stay in it, but I can no longer choose easy over what feels right. I know that the extra debt, the signing mortgages and titles into my name, the selling of wedding rings, and the sitting with my demons… this is when I will grow. This is the hard part that will allow me to emerge with more strength and grit.
I started replacing photos in my home with pictures of my best friends and I. While standing in line at Walgreens, I told my best friend this: It’s like I’m knowingly destroying my own life, but it feels like the right thing to do. But it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Is this how Glennon Doyle felt?
Everyone keeps asking me what I need. What I want is to run 10,000 miles in the other direction (to Nashville specifically), but what I need to do is remember to be present and to grow from all of the pain and trauma that I’m experiencing right now.
And that is what I’m doing.
This period of my life is a sign of the times - and this time is for growth and new things. I am going to be a better, stronger woman who loves themselves even more after this. I know that. And one day, one distant day, I’ll make a lot of money. ;)
28.
Divorced. No health insurance. Pursuing a second degree for what I love. And tired.
But at least I’m a doctor, a survivor, an entrepreneur, a fighter, a carer, and a damn good budgeter.
Oh, and writer. Forever a writer and sharer.
Thank you in advance for the love. We can do hard things.