Asking for Help/Finding Accountability
I know that I keep repeating it in many of my recent blogs, but it’s where I’m at: this is one of the most challenging phases of my life that I have ever been through (which is great and is growing me as a person, I do know that). Ending a marriage of 5 years is so hard just by itself, but on top of starting a business during a slow season, finding your passion and going back to school (exciting but stressful), taking on new clients and side PT jobs to help pay my now doubled bills, dating again, and the stress of feeling like I need to “be” enough for everyone else… adding them together is the perfect recipe concoction for old habits coming to surface.
There is an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie breaks up with Big (or Aiden, I can’t remember) where she talks about “falling back into old patterns” of eating greasy Chinese food every night and sleeping until noon. While I would never eat greasy Chinese (being half Chinese has forever spoiled me to beautiful authenticity in the cuisine) or ever sleep until noon (I couldn’t if I tried), I am currently finding myself falling back into old patterns I no longer want to partake in. Patterns that don’t align with my true goals. Patterns that I used to use to numb out completely instead of being who I truly want to be. The saying old habits die hard really just means that our brains resort back to old patterns in times of stress (neuroplasticity).
My patterns include: Not sleeping. Binge eating food. Ignoring a to-do list. Reclusing too much when it would be good for me to go out. Then, the anxiety of falling back into all of these patterns I don’t want to do affects my focus and presence with others. It’s a cycle I know well, but don’t love to be in. Most of the time I have enough mindfulness to know these patterns don’t serve me or my goals and not partake in them. But I’ve been so stressed recently that I’m seeking comfort in some of the wrong places.
So here I am in old patterns again. What do I do?
I like to think I’m superwoman sometimes, but every now and again I have to take a clearer look at myself, especially when I’m stressed. I look how much I have going on in my life, I look at the good things I have accomplished, and I also look at the not so favorite parts of myself/patterns I have.
And then, I ask for help. I swear to God: it always goes back to community.
I called my therapist on Monday and she helped a bit, but then I remembered all of these people that say they are there for me, and I called them too. And the key is: I let them be there. My mom, my friends, the people that are really there on an 8 PM night when you need to cry about your problems you’ve created for yourself.
So I take making change in steps:
First, I recognize the habits that don’t align with my true, authentic self - the ones that are just coping mechanisms during a stressful time.
Second, I recognize what triggers them. Certain times of the day, social media, other people’s negative energy projected onto me, or simply me just taking something too personally (when it didn’t have anything to do with me at all).
Third, I think about the things I want to bring more of into my life.
Fourth, and probably the most important, is that I find accountability to help me switch out the habits I want to do more of and the wants I don’t want to.
To help me change old habits, I use the tools that I have. I use the people that say they are there for me when I need them. This is the whole “superwoman” thing I was talking about; I’m so independent as a person and am absolutely determined to do almost everything on my own. But I can’t. I just can’t. I’ve learned this in business, in my personal life, and financially. And now, I accept it and let go of any shame around it.
I am learning that it’s okay to take people up on it when they say they’ll help you… I now realize that they wouldn’t offer it if they didn’t want to give it. I always felt so guilty for taking it, even when offered. Asking for help is a new thing for me.
When I find myself falling back into these old patterns, I am going to call and ask for help and be okay with not always being able to do it on my own. I’m going to let people be there for me. It’s such a beautiful thing. I think of it as riding a bike. Once I get pedaling again, it’ll be easy to ride. But right now, I need help getting my feet back on the pedals; and a little push wouldn’t hurt either.
And that’s okay. It’s all. freaking. okay. Because sometimes life will compound and you’ll need a bit of a push, and it doesn’t make you less of a superwoman (or whatever gender you identify as).
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and I mean specific help. Together is how we get through. But also remember to make a plan of actionable steps, because that’s also the only way change happens and you get sh*t done. You’re the one that’s going to have to make the changes you want, but it’s okay to have that accountability.
Sending you love, motivation, and a good accountability and support system.