What Really Matters
Inspired by a friend who walked into Story at the exact time I needed a listening ear (as every interaction always does).
So here I am in my coffee shop doing the dishes on a slow day. It’s slow at the shop, so of course 10,000 things are running through my brain (as they tend to do with monotonous tasks like washing dishes). Sales are lower this month; you need to look at scheduling. Did you write the itinerary for that meeting? Be sure to plan those social media posts. Are your employees happy? Don’t forget to reply to those messages. What’s on your schedule today? Are you practicing self-care, Bethany? What does that person think of you? What more can you do to better yourself?
Don’t worry, just typing it out gave me anxiety, too.
Our minds are such hustlers; they just keep going! We’re constantly in a continuous stream of thoughts, and it will most likely be that way for our entire lives unless you train yourself (yes, literally train your mind through meditation, mindfulness practices, or letting go of the expectations of others) to be present with what is right in front of you. The battle is constant, but when I get into those states of actual being present in my body in the moment, it’s absolute bliss. I feel my hands typing on the keyboard. I feel my inhales and exhales even as I’m moving through daily tasks. I am with the person right in front of me (not off in my own la-la-land of predicting the future) and truly hear the message they are trying to convey to me and connect with them. I let go of my racing mind and I’m just here, in what Martha Beck calls the sliver of time (the present moment).
But you have to choose to do so, actively chose, to set the future/past thoughts aside and receive whatever it was that you’re intended to hear in that exact moment. That is what I did with Henry in that moment. The message that I was intended to hear was what this blog is about (which was basically him just reassuring me of what I have been telling myself).
I can achieve many things according to the standards of society; and I have. I hold a doctoral degree, I’ve started my own business, I’ve lead thousands of yoga classes and have started non-profit organizations. I have checked a lot of boxes, some of which I did to please others and some of which I truly did because I wanted to. However, sometimes I wonder why I still have a sense of anxiety or emptiness even after achieving all of those things. It’s similar to when you buy something nice (hello, beautiful CB2 chairs and white brick walls) and it makes you happy for a bit, but then the feeling escapes you when the newness goes away. Sometimes (not all the time) I feel that way with all of my accomplishments. I find myself asking (myself): When will it be enough?
I already know the answer to my own question innately. It’s like what a good therapy session should give you: I already knew the answer, I just needed to verbalize it, talk it out; say it out loud (thanks Henry).
My answer to my own question was: You’re focusing on the wrong things.
These accomplishments feel like they’re not enough sometimes because I’m too focused on the external, mostly what others think of the external and “success” in terms of that. I’ve thought deep and long about this: when looking at all of the things I have achieved and can do, the universal theme among them that I love is that I can connect with and help people. Some would call it a “life mission statement”, but it’s that feeling in your chest of true satisfaction. Whether it be working with a patient in acute care rehab, serving someone a (plant-based) latte, handing someone a warm coat in the winter, hugging someone after a yoga class when they feel so much better, or attending a porch concert and laughing my ass of with friends; when I look into someones eyes and connect with them, when I am truly present with them, see, hear, and feel them… that is what truly matters.
Of course, my logical, analytical brain is my kryptonite to the practice of being truly present. Do this because of finances. Do this because of likes on social media. Do this because it would be good for business. Do this so that you can be invited to more events and feel better about your status. Do this so that your business succeeds. Do this for the external validation. And yes, these things are important and must be done, but I always feel empty inside when I’m not present and when I’ve forgotten my why.
When I focus on the internal validation: the love I give to myself with the choices I make or the presence that I can have with others, all of the above worries just seem to fall into place. Every. Single. Time. It is also then that I am truly living.
I give myself that internal validation by 1) making choices that suit me and the person I want to be and not apologizing for it, and 2) focusing on what really matters. When I make a patients day by telling them how beautiful they are (which they are) and help them stand up, I am successful. When I make someone smile at my coffee shop, I am successful. I am successful because I am filling the void inside of me that the external “achievements” themselves won’t give me. The external are just vehicles to the internal feeling. What fills that deep void isn’t the external accomplishments, but what the external accomplishments bring out inside of me.
The external should just the internal, which is what we should focus more on. The relationship you have with yourself and the content feeling you have when you lay your head on your (non-toxic) pillow at night is what truly matters.
Remember your why, what really matters, and the void will be filled.
Xx, B