Riding the Highs and Lows
I was thinking this morning about how much my mood seems to fluctuate these days. There are moments during the day that I couldn’t felt better. I feel so happy and at peace with every single decision I’ve made in my life. I feel that peace even when things become busy or stressful, and I feel truly present with the people in front of me. Generally, I am in this state most of the time (I’d say 70%).
Then there are also extremely difficult, flustered, and anxious moments in the day where I feel the complete opposite: extremely lonely, very lost in my purpose, and like a failure in my career and finances. Even when I’m entirely surrounded by friends and family that love and support me. Even when I receive what feels like endless supporting messages. Even when watching my badass employees run my coffee sho or sit in my luxurious loft in the wonderful A/C. Sometimes I wonder how I can feel so bad when I know these moments are so good. I get super into my head about it, feeling guilty as though I am ungrateful for all that I have (which I know isn’t true). I am extraordinarily grateful… so why sometimes do I feel so bad when things are so good?
My religious upbringing has drilled into my brain “to be grateful for what I have”. My medical mind from years of studying the brain and body has me curiously asking, “is there some sort of chemical imbalance in my brain or something?”. My yoga and energy-focused mind has me repeating, “can’t you just shift your energy, Bethany?”. Of course I can, but sometimes it doesn’t happen so easily.
I was riding home with my friend Alan from Memphis this week and I was venting to him about how sometimes everything feels so phenomenal in life right now, but then how some moments it feels the polar opposite. Not just in my personal life but in life in general. I go between wanting to stand in the streets and protest (which I have done very much so, recently) and then needing to lie down because I’m so freaking exhausted from all that I (we) have to carry emotionally in this life. Like I said in my blog last week about anxiety: sometimes life is so heavy that just ordering my multivitamin seems so taxing (but how will I ever choose the right one?).
After talking to Alan and multiple other people this week, I remembered of two things that I already knew, but needed to be reminded of:
1) Talking to others about these real topics and personal dilemmas is the ultimate medicine. Community is everything and I am so generously reminded of that every time I am fortunate enough to be in the company of those who truly hold space for me.
2) While sometimes I feel like I may swing between extremes, it’s not just me. This is what life is like for almost everyone. We all fluctuate between these antipodes. We are at peace, then we are stressed, then we go back to peace. We ride the waves of life, but instead of fighting against the current I’m deciding to just ride the waves and float in the current, even if takes me under for a bit.
That’s it. There isn’t any sort of remedy to the going under the waves except to just surf. The more we fight the lows (because they’re hella uncomfortable), we only make it harder for ourselves instead of just accepting that sometimes we go under. We just have to hold our breath.
Maybe instead of trying to define it or always make it good, we just go with it and accept the fluctuations of where each moment will take us.
When I’m underwater, I feel anxious and want to come back up for air in all the ways I know how: using food, alcohol, social media, cleaning, music… whatever I can to get my head back up above water. My floating devices that I hold onto.
But the beautiful thing is that when you’re forced under the water, you learn to properly hold your breath and that makes you a better swimmer (I would know - emotionally and physically). I build resiliency and stamina in my lungs the more I swim and float, and I can handle so much more in life. It all gets a bit easier when I just float and swim instead of fight to keep my head above it.
Currently in mt life there are a lot of “waves” that are taking me under - sometimes harshly. The divorce, dating again, opening a business, financial stress, having to buy my own toolkits and just overall again just learning to love myself. Those are some big ass waves.
But it won’t be like this forever, and I just have to remember that these harsh waves make me a better swimmer. And man, swimming in the cool water damn good.
Xx, B
By the way, I decided on Athletic Greens for the multivitamin in case you were wondering. 😉