My Journey with Depression

DEPRESSION: a quick blurb I felt called to share. 💫

I’ve written out a thousand captions and only to never press publish or share because I was scared to share. 

I’ve listened to Harry Styles, Noah Cyrus, Lennon Stella, and ELIO a thousand times through. 

I’ve stayed up too many nights looking at pictures of what I was doing a year ago, 8 months ago, 6 months ago, and even 2 years ago. 

I’ve done 10,000 minutes of meditation this year and cried almost an equal amount of tears form happiness and sadness alike. 

In the past 6 months, my life completely flipped. In good ways, but flipped. It jolted every part of me, emotionally, physically, and alarmingly quick. It took my online platform, newsletter, and all personal fun goals from me for a bit of time. And that’s okay. 

One of the biggest mistakes we make is putting a timeline on healing and grieving. Each month that passed I would tell myself “you’ll be better this month, it’s going to be easier”, only to find myself falling deeper into sadness at night due to unrealistic expectations. 

Life is weird. It tosses you around and throws things at you you never thought it would, and that’s just how it goes. Processing through trauma and grief doesn’t follow a timeline. 

The past six months I’ve been expanding but also healing (probably not from what you would think), and right now I am in my most truest form I’ve ever been. Raw, real, and still. Has it been hard? Extremely, extremely, extremely. But hard isn’t bad. It’s E X P A N S I V E.

It gives you the power you didn’t have when you were in an easier state of life. It opens you up and makes you ask questions to yourself that you might not have otherwise, and what a BEAUTIFUL gift that is to receive.

After a few months of depression, i’m feeling better. It definitely worked the graveyard and daytime shift, as I slowly grieved a life I once knew. It was too much for me to handle at once: a new business, the hopeless waiting of a secret love that wasn’t reciprocated, best friends lost, and then of course getting divorced…. and the loss of ALL finances and free time. Not to mention my masters degree (once again on hold) and the pressure of keeping up an online platform. I absolutely never planned on having that much on my plate at once, but who ever PLANS that out?

Getting out of bed or sending an email very often seemed like the most heavyweight task. That’s what depression does: it makes everything that is small much harder than it once was.

To the lovers, the friends, the family, and even the acquaintances that have just left me things over the last 6 months, I thank you. Thank you for sitting on the floor with me as I cried over heartbreak. Thank you for helping me pay for therapy at a time when I’m opening a wonderful business and cannot pay myself. Thank you to my bosses who were flexible with me when I just couldn’t come into the hospital and had to cancel, just to get some sleep as the pure exhaustion of it all overcame my body. Thank you to the people who texted me to check in, who sent me flowers or books randomly, walked my dog or even just hugged me because they knew me. The sticky notes, the take out meals, the time spent listening to me on the phone. Thank you. Absolutely everyone deserves a community like I have. 

You should NEVER feel bad or less than for being depressed. There should be no apology needed for needing to grieve after heartbreak, although sometimes I do feel guilty for needing the time and space (thank you, hustle culture). I lost a long term relationship, financial stability, friends, and lovers all at once. But of course, we at some point have to pull ourselves out of it. Just like after getting hit by a car (gosh, an actual CAR) , I am here. Walking, standing, and stronger mentally and physically. 

I feel finally on the uphill after many nights of angst. I almost didn’t share this since I am now even more in a role of leadership, but I feel like an even better leader often by being vulnerable. We all battle things in life, and the last thing any of us ever wants to feel is alone. 

I. Am. Rising.  We always are if we choose to. But never put yourself on a timeline and always, always, always put what you need in your life. For me, that was time. But I’m still here :) and plan to be more in the future. 

xx