How I’ve Changed and Why It’s Good
Hi everyone. :) I know that’s it been a minute, but I’m here, I’m back, and I feel so at home behind my computer. I’ve been thinking about transitioning to more long-form video content on YouTube instead of just blogging, so let me know in the comments below if that’s something you’d be interested in (my ADHD brain has a hard time reading and typing sometimes!).
2025 so far:
2025 began with me hitting it hard in the fitness world. I have been so focused on building BDW’s Move + Meditate Membership (which you should totally join, by the way!). I do all of the editing, producing , and work and plan all of the content development. It’s a business that doesn’t pay me yet, but I KNOW that it will one day. It would mean the world for me to have your support and for YOU to use the videos to help you be stronger, more flexible, or more easeful in your mind.
I’ve also taken the month of January to really go inwards and reflect on ways that I’ve grown, ways that I still want to change, and just sitting with myself. As many of you know, I’ve never been single (for more than a month at least), so being alone is very hard for me. It’s hard to sit still in the evenings, but it’s a discomfort that I try so hard to embrace and ask myself, “why in the heck are you uncomfortable with just you?”. I know that might be something that some of you have gone through, even if you have been single. We’re so used to filling our time with things that make us feel good so that we never have to sit with the discomfort that is stillness, but truly that is where the magic happens (even if it doesn’t feel good at first).
I’m not a glutton for seeking out pain, but I do know that where I’m uncomfortable, I want to be strong enough to experience it and make it less painful. Parker was gone this past weekend, and it gave me a lot of time alone in the evenings (I’m often alone throughout the day but I’m typically working). I started to fill my time with work, but sometimes I just sat, journaled, and really went in. Why am I always waiting for him or a friend text me back? Why do I feel so alone when I’m alone? These are all thoughts that pop up, among many. And the true answer is: I don’t love myself enough just yet to be feel fully at ease by myself (but it’s so much better than what it used to be - thank you THERAPY!).
I wrote about it in my most recent Instagram post: getting validation externally is the way that 99% of us feel good. If others think we’re great and we’re “approved” by them, even praised, then we feel good about ourselves. If not, then we don’t. At least that’s the case for me. You know that feeling if someone is mad at you and you just feel anxious? I felt that all of the time being on social media for 13 years. So, what if nobody texts you, praises you, or validates you in some sort of way? What if you don’t have a partnership at all? In those moments, do you still feel okay about yourself? If the answer is no, then there is likely some inner work to be done.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t want a partner, can’t want 10,000 subscribers (my 2025 YouTube Goal!!), or want something in life that involves others. It just needs to come from a place of not needing it, and being okay with yourself first and foremost, without the praise or external validation. You have to internally validate yourself first. End of story.
Time alone helps with that. It helps me to recognize unhealthy ways I tend to cope (scrolling, eating, drinking at some stages in y life). But, when I can tune out the outside noise and do what I feel called to do in the moment (like write this blog!), I am in flow. The same goes for anything in life. For example, I’ve listened to my body recently and now workout in the evenings, and that is what works for me at this time. I am more lean and less bloated than ever, because I listened to myself and validated HER, instead of doing what others tell me to do or what is best. This goes with every aspect of life, but this is just one example.
While I love Parker (yes, I said love!) and my life, I feel like I’m at a point that I wasn’t a few years ago: of wanting but not needing. I don’t feel overly attached to people or things like I used to, even though I still very much enjoy them. I feel so happy saying no to things that no longer align and really diving into this pilates business headfirst. It feels so damn good, but it could only come from a place of true self love and the ability to be still. It’s in that stillness that I began to learn to love myself exactly for who I am, for all of it. There, and a lot of therapy, journaling, pilates, and Gabby Bernstein and Joe Dispenza!
Other ways I have changed and grown in 2025 so far:
I quit drinking and it’s the absolute best decision I’ve made for my anxiety.
I am diving into how to best run a pilates business and now have 4 people on the teacher/backend of BDW, which is CRAZY and so amazing! Would LOVE for you to join us. It’s available now for $1/month, which is the lowest it will go and you will be grandfathered in at that price. You have access to 60+ videos of pilates, yoga, and meditations classes with a new one each week from myself and other teachers. I absolutely cannot think of a better (or cheaper!) way to take care of yourself!
Feeling less pressure to post for likes/ego, but feeling so much more connected to those in my community. IT FEEL SO GOOD.
I think I’ll be blogging more weekly, if you guys liked this. Thanks for reading, and I’ll either see you on the mat or in the next blog. 🤎
All my love,
B