The Effects of Social Media

I was fortunate enough to chat with a friend last week that I hadn’t talked to in almost a year. At the end of updating each other on all of the crazy and big changes in our lives, she told me that even in the chaos and busyness of her life that she felt deeply at peace. I felt overwhelming joy for her, but also felt so grateful to realize that I feel the same way (it’s crazy how we align with the people we are always deeply connected to).

Why do you think that is? That we feel so at peace deep down? I asked her. Together, we named many reasons such as realigning priorities, figuring out what actually makes us happy in our late twenties, etc. But one of the reasons that stuck out to me that we both thought could be one of the main sources of increased peace is less time spent on social media.

Even before this phone call, I had been thinking about my relationship with social media. As someone who puts her face on stories and has shared what are considered to be vulnerable aspects of life, I’ve absolutely loved it for the most part. The people I’ve connected with and the small impacts I’ve made by inspiring people to move their body, to try something new, to eat different foods or even overcome and embrace their anxiety is extremely rewarding and life-giving to me. But when it comes to social media, it’s also work. Like many of us, I am no stranger to picking up my phone first thing. I know the best social media posting times, how to record a video in the exact right lighting, and have followed the trends. Many yoga photos have been posted with many quotes, and it did yield results. Our human brains quickly become addicted to the rush of praise, knowing the lives of others, and escaping responsibilities in the endless scroll, which leads to feelings of FOMO and the intense dopamine craving that comes from red hearts and many emoji comments.

When I first started using social media a lot, it was to get the word out about my yoga classes. I wanted to see as many people as I could on Saturday morning, and I loved being able to reach out to people in that way. Putting my face out there worked; my classes filled quickly. Soon after, I started to feel really good about myself when my classes were full, when I gained a few thousand followers, and when people shared my things. I felt like I was really “making it” when started to get asked by brands to post things and when large yoga companies used my photos. The title micro-influencer felt so cool; it wasn’t too much pressure to post something and make it my main source of income, but it made me feel validated in some weird way. Had I made it in life? I mean, I must be pretty cool and wanted if I’m being asked this.

So, what’s the problem?

Well, tying your worth to anything external (jobs and body included) always leads to hitting a wall. I remember when I first realized that I probably needed to change how I used social media: I was spending so much time on scrolling, so I replied to all the message in my inbox (actually letting it get to zero) and decided to take a break and not didn’t post anything for a weekend. When I went to open the app, I didn’t have any messages in the top right corner. My heart sunk and I immediately felt not wanted. Oh no, I thought. Am I not cool anymore? Why don’t people want me? It sounds so silly, but I felt worse about myself when nobody messaged me. I would let messages pile up to 100+ sometimes just so that I could feel in-demand. I felt like the more people that wanted me, I was worth something more.

This was years ago, but still. How could I let an empty inbox ONE time make me feel like I wasn’t ‘as good as I used to be’? To help fuel my worth, I just kept on posting (the right photo with the exact right caption) and getting the hit of dopamine over and over again. Eventually, I found myself posting because I wanted to feel wanted instead of posting because I wanted to share a message, which was what I had originally used it for.

I let 400 likes and a full inbox make me feel worthy.

What worse is that that deep feeling of peace that I first talked about comes from being off social media more, but I was addicted to the pleasure of validation from others. It took years, many breaks, and really learning to love myself before I realized that 400 likes are really the same as 40, because I’m still the exact same person doing the exact same thing (actually, I’m even more connected to my message - and myself - than ever).

In typical Carrie Bradshaw style, I have to ask…

Have we labeled pretty, edited photos with cool captions and updates about who we’re dating as “making it”?

Here’s the thing: Social media is a tool, not a destination. Do I love posting aesthetically pleasing photos and responding to 50+ messages on a given topic? Absolutely. But I don’t live for that or tie it to my worth. The goal is to share, create, and connect - why social media was created. The goal of social media should not be to get likes, especially if that is what makes you feel validated (plus, if only you knew the amount of people that buy likes, followers, views, and comments. I’ve seen that so many times, and you really shouldn’t feel less than someone who does that).

As someone who runs businesses, has seen growth in product and monetary gains using social media, and even met my best friend through Instagram, I see its benefits and it’s inevitable that it will stay in my life and almost all of our lives. But the way I use social media is so different now. I’m a big believer in creation over consumption. I love to create, to share, to post, then step away when needed; sometimes for days at a time.

I don’t spend as much time checking for likes and engagement rates, but really use it to share what I’m creating, to give updates of my life (which is so fun to me), take polls (we’re at 140-17 now on my dress), to answer wellness questions, to share my online yoga platform and blogs, and to follow those that inspire me to be better (NYC and LA energy forever). If my story doesn’t get updated and I let the inbox go to zero, I don’t feel let myself feel bad. You can see this shift in this now with people turning off their likes and comments and just sharing (check out my friend Alexandra’s post on how she felt after taking 4 month social break).

Frequent breaks from social media is always something that I’ve always made sure to do, and even more recently I started to take it a step further and not get on social media before 9 AM as opposed to getting on it before I’d even get out of bed (why on earth do we check in with others before we even check in with ourselves when we first come out of a restful sleep?).

it’s important to ask yourself: what is your goal in using social media? What do you actually like to do? In my free time, I like to record yoga videos and meditations, to help people with their mental health, to look at beautifully designed homes, to create recipes in my kitchen, to edit websites and newsletters, to drink good coffee and to laugh and connect with others. How do I share all of this with the world? Social media. It’s a tool.

Maybe your goal is to see what your friends are doing, to find kitchen or home design inspiration, to save a recipe or workout, create a beautifully aesthetic page, build a brand/business or promote something you’re doing/creating. There’s also nothing wrong with just posting a photo you love with a funny caption! Just don’t do it for the likes because that satisfaction will not last. Whatever your goal is, the goal should not be to get validation.

If you find yourself scrolling endlessly, feeling good because you got a lot of likes or feeling less than because you don’t have enough of them, remember that half of it is bought anyways and a lot of it is chance. It shouldn’t stop you from putting yourself out there or shouldn’t make you want to so you feel good about yourself.

The message: Create what you love, have fun, set time limits on these addictive apps, get out in nature, don’t forget to connect with actual people, and remember why you use it. Do not let a number (likes, inbox, responses) define your worth. Lastly, unfollow anyone that doesn’t inspire you or make you feel good. We don’t have time for that. If you’re happy with what you are doing, that’s all that matters.

With all my love,
B